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Well it has become easier to deal with the fact that I'm not a smoker anymore.  The physical addiction for cigarettes are mostly gone, or at least it is so easy to deal with it might as well be gone.  One thing that has been getting harder though, is the habit side of things.  Getting into the car, walking out of the store, drinking at a bar, playing poker.  The urge to smoke at those trigger point has been more difficult to deal with lately.  On top of that I've been having bizarre dreams of "quit" failure.

In one dream I was with friends, and I had a cigarette.  It didn't feel weird or anything.  I was smoker and having a cigarette was just a natural part of what I did on a regular basis.  I'm not sure if we were talking or what, I just remember standing in a circle with some friends and I suppose talking or something.  Then I lifted the cigarette to my mouth and took a drag, and as the smoke went down it simply felt wonderful.  For a few seconds I was in heaven.  (BTW, I don't remember smoking being that great…just good…maybe)  Then it suddenly stuck me that I had quit, and this immense sense of failure and disappointment washed over me.  Mentally I was beating myself up because I failed and then it was over.

There were several dreams similar to that one.  The scene around them always vague, with the failure to quit being the central point.

Then two nights ago I had a much more distinct dream.  I was standing there and this time I was not smoking, and was aware that I was a quitter.  I was again with friends similar to the previous dreams.  Where I was and who was there was sort of foggy.  There was a new "not a cigarette" cigarette.  I saw a diagram like cross section of it and it showed how the first two thirds of the cigarette like cylinder was non-tobacco, and the remaining one third was something else, and then of course the filter.  It was suppose to allow you to smoke with out the dangers of regular cigarettes.  There was some rationalizing with myself as to why this was so great.  Then suddenly there I was smoking, inhaling and then exhaling big clouds of smoke, and again it simply felt great to be a smoker again.  Not really because of the smoke going in and out of my lungs, simply because of the act of smoking itself.  I didn't feel guilty about smoking, and was enjoying myself, and then suddenly I realized that I wasn't smoking one of these new "safe" cigarettes, but was in fact smoking normal run of the mill cigarette.  Again the disappointment washed over, and failure reigned.

You would think that this feeling of failure would go away once I woke up, but it didn't.  It was just as crushing of a defeat as if I had really smoked.  Maybe because I know deep down inside I'm still a slave to cigarettes even after I have stopped smoking.  During the first week I had this big head about how I was stronger than cigarettes and it felt great to be winning the battle with the addiction.  What I didn't realize was that it wasn't just the battle that I needed to win, there was a whole war that I had failed to see because I was so so focused on the battle with nicotine.

(Oh yea, its been two week, and two days!!!) 

140 cigarettes not smoked, $26.88 saved.  Well it definitely much easier now than it was a few days ago.  I went to a party Saturday night, drank beer, and did some other things and manages to remain cigarette free.  I'm awfully proud of myself.  I was discussing the benefits of being smoke free with a couple of friends of mine who recently began putting serious effort into consuming a healthier diet.  Chris said he was thinking about quiting, I told him about my experience over the course of the week.  If they decide to quit I'll definitely put some effort into helping them.

I don't want to be that annoying anti-smoking crusader or anything, it just feels good to help.

Saturday night wasn't completely with out its craves.  Each time I caught a whiff of a cigarette being smoked I felt the urge to smoke momentarily.  It actually helped to see people smoking though.  When I see people smoking it reminds me of why I smoke.  Addiction.  Nothing more nothing less.  I think I will work on a simple survey that just ask one question: "Why do you smoke?" and include a few simple demographic pieces of info such as age, sex, salary range and so on…and begin collecting statistics.

Well here I am at the 96 hour mark.  I still have pretty strong urges to smoke, but the frequency has definately dropped.  I am actually having one now.  It's kind of difficult to discribe, but there is this longing or aching in my chest.  Not a painful feeling, but something more like that feeling you get when you've lost something you love.  I can't wait until I enter a phase where not smoking is more normal for my body.  Dealing with these withdrawals sucks.  I mean their not the worst thing in the world, but I would definately rather not have them then have them….

I'll keep this post short…i'm working at the moment…

Well here I am entering the 48th hour of this quiting thing.  It feels like it's been a week.  Maybe that's why you live longer when you quit smoking?  Because time actually passes slower!  I really wish I could find some comfort in something other than in cigarettes.  I guess that's why quiting is so hard though, because there simply isn't anything that can satisfy your bodies craving for nicotine, well, except nicotine itself.  You may be thinking "Hey, there are nicotine gums and patches!"  Yea, but they only delay the inevitable.  You will eventually have to deal with the nicotine withdrawals.  In a few days the craving will still be around but I'll have several days of experience dealing with them.  Then in a few more days the withdrawal symptoms will begin to go way and life with out cigarettes will become much easier.

Now that I'm dealing with this again, I can clearly remember going through this last time I tried quiting.  I remember thinking to myself that I was never wanted to do this again…and here I am now having to do it all over again.

Well it been over 48 hours now.  Some of the benifits i'll be seeing now are regrowth of nerve endings improving my sense of taste and smell.

After 24 hours:
Your risk of a heart attack is already decreasing.

Next milestone is 28-48 hours depending on the site you look at.  Nerve endings begin to grow back taste and smell begin to return to normal.  I think i'll make a special dinner tomorrow to test and celebrate this new found sense of taste and smell.

It's been hour 8 and according to various web sites, nicotine and carbon monoxide levels in my blood reduce by half, and my oxygen levels return to normal.  It's always nice to have mile stones to count this early in the process.

There have been many cravings over the last eight hours, two of which were very strong.  I know from my last attempt to quit about the sore throat coming up around the one week mark.  I think thats probably worse than the cravings, but thats what happens when a layer of protective mucus in your throat suddenly goes away and the flesh is exposed to air and other elements it's been protected from for years and years…

Anyway…I march forward…

So after some thought, and looking back to how well I did a couple of months ago when I quit smoking I was thinking that it was rather nice period of time and couldn't really figure out where I went wrong or when i started smoking a pack a day again.  In any case i'm geared up for the first three days again.  I've done this before, and it's not really difficult or painful or anything, the craving are more of an annoyance than anything.  It's after three days when your body has metabolized the remaining nicotene that the cravings become strong.  After about 10 days the tough part is over and your biggest challenge is avoiding those spot where you smoke habitually.  I've discovered a great site with tons of information called WhyQuit.com .  Education can be your best weapon in the battle to quit smoking.  I was a little wishy-washy about quiting before and used language that allowed me to regress with out feeling too guilty.  Not this time!  I've quit forever!  (After all thats the only way you can quit…)

 To the right your will see what at first seems like an incredibly brutal picture.  Well it is brutal, but don't look away.  Let it slap you in the face like a snow shovel sized hand of reality.  Focus on it until you think you understand what this family is going through at this moment.  Look closely at Bonnie Curtis's anguish and and the vacant stare of a child who will never truely know his father.  Now look at Bryan Lee Curtis and try for a second to imagine a physical pain that no amount of pain killers or nerve blocks will help.  Then imagine knowing that this pain will be with you until the end.  I can't imagine that knowing the end is close could make you feel any better.  Once you start to cry you have just begun to feel a small sample (in a much lighter dose) of what it might be like.

Right about now or maybe in the first paragraph your probably wondering "What sick bastard put poor Bryan's photos online for the world to see!?"  The answer…Bryan did, or at least had it done on his behalf and at his request.  Even though he continued to smoke up until he was simply too incapacitated to do so, he spent the last few weeks of his life trying to get his story out in the hopes that at least one kid might be scared straight by his ghostly visage.  Sadly he died two day before he was scheduled to go on TV.

Yea, I quit quiting. Basically confirming my hunch that there is no in between. You either quit or you don't. There is no "I only smoke socially, or occasionally…" I thought I could handle only smoking on Poker night, or here and there, but here I stand before you now a full fledged smoker again. Anyway…this is my obligitory post. I'm sick and don't feel like thinking, or rambling away on here.

First things first I'm still doing well on the being a quitter front. I'm creeping up on 2 1/2 weeks now…but it feels like an eternity. I held a cigarette in my hand yesterday and considered lighting it up just because I felt like I had forgotten what I was missing. When I held it in my hand it felt so weird like it was in the wrong place. It was like one of those awkward moments on a blind date when you both realize it was a mistake. Anyway, enough obsessing about smoking. Surely there are other happenings in my life worth of being blogged….surely…..ummm….let see….blogable happening…hmmmm…. I got a new dog. While quite technically my mother might be taking him in a few weeks, more than likely he will be staying with us. He is a Brownish/Red and White Border Collie. Border Collies are touted as the smartest breed of dog in the world, and have an incredible hearding instinct. They will heard anything from sheep, horses, and cattle to chicken, kids and cats. Of course the cats don't really like being hearded, and will make themselves heard when they are…ya heard!? (lol…i dunno man?) He has really cool electric yellow eyes. On the left eye 1/2 of the iris is this silverish/bluey color, and on the right eye about 1/4 of the iris is that silver color. I'm not really much of a dog person myself…they are just too needy and smell most of the time. He's a great dog though, and I like him, but part of me is kind of hoping that my mom will end up taking him in a few weeks. I think i'll save the other crap for another post….

Ok….I know I said I was going to avoid those smoking related acivities to reduce the chance that I might be tempted to start smoking again. Well I realized that's impossible. On top of it being impossible it just not a good way to go. I wouldn't be solving the problem, which of course is to break a habit. So I've decided to face my normal smoker life with out cigarettes. So far so good…i've survived hanging out with friends who smoke constantly, drinking on Saturday, and each and every meal since last Tuesday. I know it probably doesn't sound like much, but I seem to crave cigarettes the most when i'm drinking alcohol, or after a good meal, and while i'm just sitting around bull shitting with friends. The fact that I have skated right through all three activities several times during my initial week is a good sign. That's not to say I didn't crave one. There were times when the crave was strong. But, I managed to keep my cool, and resist the urge. This has to be the easiest of my many attempts to quit smoking. While I have quit previously for almost an entire month, this time feel different. Maybe i'm just ready to quit now, maybe my reasons for quiting have finally started to out weight the reason for smoking? Who knows?! Oddly enough the first few days where much easier than the last couple of days have been. I'm not sure if it was all of the cigarette smoke I was exposed to on Saturday or not though. But I have felt my will bending a bit. It feels something like me saying to myself "Wow…i'm so proud of you….your doing so well…you deserve a reward! You know? A 'Reeeewaaard'? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge…know whadda mean, know whadda mean?" I i'm all like "Nuff said….nuff saaaid!" back to me…